Friday, November 22, 2013


 I wrote this at the beginning of October when things were more confusing than ever. After some good conversation with people like Carri and lots of time to process, this post doesn't seem as crazy as it did when I typed it up. Enjoy all the metaphors!

I promised a major life update over a month ago on my Facebook feed. The reason I haven't posted in so long is that I've been afraid to talk about this decision. It's been to easy to believe the lie that no one will understand how difficult this choice was for me. I'm working on overcoming that fear, so expect an actual update soon!

Long story short, I was blindsided with more than one amazing job opportunity while working in Michigan this summer. I pondered and prayed over my first big kid decision while battling roller coaster emotions and mixed reactions from friends. Oh. So this is what being grown up is. I made up my mind in the last few days of childhood camp, but I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

On top of all that, I have the strangest feeling about what lies ahead.

Rapid, tiny changes life have blown my way for a while. This blog has been a record of how good I've gotten at taking on surprises. But every season must end. 

I've been eyeing a formation of fuzzy white islands gathering on the horizon for a few weeks now. I'm not sure how long it will take me to reach where the sky meets the ocean, but that's the direction I'm headed. Though it may be far away, this cluster of clouds is easy to see. Although I don't know what type of weather lies ahead, I am certain it will reach me. Maybe it's a different rhythm, a new location, or an unexpected occupation. Maybe it's a mindset, a vision, or goal. I've learned how to tackle any type of flash weather. But an ol' fashioned thunderstorm slowly rolling in terrifies me. What's the basic weather 101 again?

Christie's theory is that everyone experiences a post-grad panic to some extent. I'm not panicking.

I'm restless. I'm anxious like a kid wide awake in bed on Christmas Eve. I'm more nervous than a 16 year old taking a pregnancy test. My attention span is shorter than a goldfish's memory. I just can't focus on anything.

Whatever is coming isn't stopping. A new season is barreling down on me like a nor' easterner and I keep telling everyone the percentage of rain is next to nothing. In reality, I have no idea how to prepare myself.

I guess I decided recently that I hate those looming cottonballs. I don't dislike them because I can't handle change. (My antsy spirit is aching for refinement.) I hate them because everyone just tells me they're islands. Naturally we're just talking about my life here. But when I try to share what's on the horizon with anyone I feel like I'm describing a new species of animal. I don't know what I'm talking about and therefore no one else has any idea what I'm trying to say. Lots of vague head nodding and "...oh sure..."

And so I feel defeated and apologetic for everything. Sorry I have dreams. Sorry I'm getting caught up in a plan I don't understand. Sorry I exist because apparently I only say crazy things. These little apologies lead to a laundry list of things I don't want to share with anyone.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I love working at a large corporate company that only fuels consumerism. I'm reluctant to acknowledge that I'm looking forward to the day that I'm consistently working in ministry, teaching dance, or planning amazing events. I'm afraid to tell people what I want most.

Friends, apartment renovations, and weekend plans have been great distractions. But my restless heart will not be pacified. Every time someone asks me what it's like to be a graduate, my mind gets caught up in the mean cycle of where I'm at vs. what I want.

I have no reason to be discontent. I am so blessed.

My restlessness has nothing to do with what I am lacking and everything to do with what I am longing for. It's funny how when the Lord plants a desire deep in our hearts we battle it like it's out to get us.

It's time to stop making excuses for the funny looking cloud building in the distance. It's happening, and it's outside my control. Why trust in a plan outside my control? Because the wild ride is worth it. Although I don't always submit to the Lord without a fight, I know he is good and I know he behind me, with me, and ahead of me in the ominous typhoon.

Galatians 6:9 hasn't left my mind all month. "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up." Truth.
So today I'm anxiously waiting for approaching storm with my name on it. You can call me crazy, just tie me to the mast, please.