Forecasting

 I wrote this at the beginning of October when things were more confusing than ever. After some good conversation with people like Carri and lots of time to process, this post doesn't seem as crazy as it did when I typed it up. Enjoy all the metaphors!

I promised a major life update over a month ago on my Facebook feed. The reason I haven't posted in so long is that I've been afraid to talk about this decision. It's been to easy to believe the lie that no one will understand how difficult this choice was for me. I'm working on overcoming that fear, so expect an actual update soon!

Long story short, I was blindsided with more than one amazing job opportunity while working in Michigan this summer. I pondered and prayed over my first big kid decision while battling roller coaster emotions and mixed reactions from friends. Oh. So this is what being grown up is. I made up my mind in the last few days of childhood camp, but I haven't stopped thinking about it since.

On top of all that, I have the strangest feeling about what lies ahead.

Rapid, tiny changes life have blown my way for a while. This blog has been a record of how good I've gotten at taking on surprises. But every season must end. 

I've been eyeing a formation of fuzzy white islands gathering on the horizon for a few weeks now. I'm not sure how long it will take me to reach where the sky meets the ocean, but that's the direction I'm headed. Though it may be far away, this cluster of clouds is easy to see. Although I don't know what type of weather lies ahead, I am certain it will reach me. Maybe it's a different rhythm, a new location, or an unexpected occupation. Maybe it's a mindset, a vision, or goal. I've learned how to tackle any type of flash weather. But an ol' fashioned thunderstorm slowly rolling in terrifies me. What's the basic weather 101 again?

Christie's theory is that everyone experiences a post-grad panic to some extent. I'm not panicking.

I'm restless. I'm anxious like a kid wide awake in bed on Christmas Eve. I'm more nervous than a 16 year old taking a pregnancy test. My attention span is shorter than a goldfish's memory. I just can't focus on anything.

Whatever is coming isn't stopping. A new season is barreling down on me like a nor' easterner and I keep telling everyone the percentage of rain is next to nothing. In reality, I have no idea how to prepare myself.

I guess I decided recently that I hate those looming cottonballs. I don't dislike them because I can't handle change. (My antsy spirit is aching for refinement.) I hate them because everyone just tells me they're islands. Naturally we're just talking about my life here. But when I try to share what's on the horizon with anyone I feel like I'm describing a new species of animal. I don't know what I'm talking about and therefore no one else has any idea what I'm trying to say. Lots of vague head nodding and "...oh sure..."

And so I feel defeated and apologetic for everything. Sorry I have dreams. Sorry I'm getting caught up in a plan I don't understand. Sorry I exist because apparently I only say crazy things. These little apologies lead to a laundry list of things I don't want to share with anyone.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I love working at a large corporate company that only fuels consumerism. I'm reluctant to acknowledge that I'm looking forward to the day that I'm consistently working in ministry, teaching dance, or planning amazing events. I'm afraid to tell people what I want most.

Friends, apartment renovations, and weekend plans have been great distractions. But my restless heart will not be pacified. Every time someone asks me what it's like to be a graduate, my mind gets caught up in the mean cycle of where I'm at vs. what I want.

I have no reason to be discontent. I am so blessed.

My restlessness has nothing to do with what I am lacking and everything to do with what I am longing for. It's funny how when the Lord plants a desire deep in our hearts we battle it like it's out to get us.

It's time to stop making excuses for the funny looking cloud building in the distance. It's happening, and it's outside my control. Why trust in a plan outside my control? Because the wild ride is worth it. Although I don't always submit to the Lord without a fight, I know he is good and I know he behind me, with me, and ahead of me in the ominous typhoon.

Galatians 6:9 hasn't left my mind all month. "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up." Truth.
 

So today I'm anxiously waiting for approaching storm with my name on it. You can call me crazy, just tie me to the mast, please.

A Mess of Moments

Every once and a while I write something about how my life is changing at the speed of light and I can hardly keep up. When I post these dramatic life summaries, it's always with the mindset that things will calm down soon. Cut to 1.5 years after moving to NYC (the start of it all) and my life is just as unpredictable as it became then.

Since some of the choices I'm facing right now involve other people, I can't go into detail about the latest twists and turns in this epic saga. The good news is that as my vision becomes blurrier and my heart hurts a little more each day, the Joy of the Lord has never left my side. I see God's plan for his Kingdom more when I understand his plan for my own life less. I love the broken more fiercely when I'm feeling the sting of disappointment and rejection in my own heart. And I appreciate each ray of sunshine and wave I get to behold in Michigan as I anticipate the next life change, wherever it may be.

If your confused (because I sure am!) maybe this will help to explain my current state of mind.

We're just a mess of moments
That's adding up to where we are
And you're the frame and focus
That's making sense of it so far
I'm not depressed or hopeless
I'm only walking in a blur
And you're the frame and focus
I'm the scene, you're the director

And They Just Keep Coming

I just asked myself when my last post was and nearly had a heart attack when I realized it was in February. Yikes! So many things to catch you up on.

After telling people for months that Christie was going to move to Cincinnati, BAM! She got a job interview and offer in a three day time span. She packed up her bags and moved in with me and Carri...who moved out a month later when she & Reggie got married. (It's like I'm the engagement lucky charm: live with me and there's definitely a proposal in your near future.) Congratulations Carri & Reggie, I know you are going reach many people by being life partners. I'm also beyond thrilled to live with my high school best friend. We have lots of cocanolas and 4am conversations on my bed.

sketching Carri's wedding day makeup look

Christie and I decided to stay in our apartment for another year after Aaron & Ben graciously agreed to move into the lower one. We've been talking about all the changes we want to make (breakfast bar, IKEA couch, flatscreen, etc.) so I'm pretty excited to be close to my community and job for another year.

typical bonding moments

I survived my capstone! Somehow I coordinated our senior showcase, completed my project on synesthesia, and passed all of my classes. I've been avoiding my using laptop for a month because I got pretty close to violently introducing it to the wall on several occasions. Fun fact: the closest I ever got to pulling my only college all-nighter was the night before my project was due. I stayed up til 4am saving out my Flash file and then got up at 6 to install everything at DAAP. The rest of the day was packed with my final critique, family visits, and the opening night of our show. I don't feel bad for saying I'm really happy to be done with school forever.

Suzy setting up our studio for DAAPworks

After finding out we passed our capstones with flying colors, Emily and sat next to each other during our college graduation ceremony—just like we always dreamed. What a blessing! Our families got to hangout for a bit as well.

bearcat swag

After graduation, Landor promoted me from an intern to a freelancer with more responsibilities and everything. I love the work I've been getting and the people I've been working with. I'm amazed every time I remember that I've already worked there for over two years. Hopefully there's more to come.

working on spring windows for Red's Opening Day

Since work has been going so well, I'm little sad that I'll be gone for 10 weeks starting Sunday. But mostly I'm psyched to counsel another year at Maranatha! With all the life changes that have been thrown my way lately, this seems like a good time to take a hiatus from work and Cincinnati. I plan on spending lots of time with the Lord in the woods overlooking the beach, as well as reading, tanning, eating way too much ice cream, and loving on some wonderful kids. I also can't wait to meet the rest of the counselors and form some more great friends.

no explanation needed

Another reason I'm looking forward to resetting my life at camp because my brother is in the hospital again. Visiting him and my family this weekend was very hard and draining. However, my dad and Carolyn are pillars of strength and encouragement for Logan and me. My friends have also been intentional about their questions and prayers for my family. Where would I be without this community that rescues me when I'm falling apart?

when Ryan & Nate kidnapped me for some much-needed lemonade and bagles

In some ways, things are beginning to feel eerily like the tumultuous changes I went through last summer. In other ways, I feel so blessed and joyful to be where I am right now. Unfortunately  even when life is at it's most chaotic things still get busier. Work has been hectic (definitely clocking some overtime this week), housing has been complicated (I have a sublet for only half the time I'm gone), and there's never enough time in the evening (bills & loans, ick!). There's also so many things to prepare for camp—choreography, tee designs, and talk ideas. Life isn't slowing down and I'm feeling my capacity for all of this change ebb. This break feels like an escape, and I'm not ashamed of needing one desperately. I just want to hit the reset button on my emotional, relational, mental, and physical well being so I can function like a normal person and not a robot.

Would you pray that I find life on the shores of Lake Michigan?
xoxo
Kendra

Priorities

encouraging notes found in the bathroom on Valetine's day

Out of fairness to my capstone I am going to take an official break from posting until May. Call or stalk me at my studio apartment if you want some life updates. Or better yet, come to DAAPworks the last week of April to see all my hard work (the results have yet to be revealed to anyone...including myself).

In other news, I decided on Valentine's Day that I will officially be returning as a Teen Counselor at Maranatha this summer. I might have a few other leadership roles at camp, but those are TBA. Responsibilities aside, I am pumped to chat lakeside with my favorite hair-dye addict (Hannah), choreograph fantastic dances with my pretty little friend (Ellie), and plan some ruthless pranks with a few rascals (Jack & Zac). Don't worry, I'll save plenty of time for nerf wars, ice cream for dinner, and wonderful friends who visit Michigan. I can't believe I actually get the opportunity to go back! Camp was a beautiful place of rest and rediscovery for myself last year—I can't wait to see where God is leading me this time.

until May!
Kendranamo

A Real Wild Child

Lately I've been struggling with two sides of myself.
Responsible vs. Insane (stay with me now.)

 

my heart in a snapshot

I grew up too fast as a child—becoming a mother to my younger brothers and an adult helper to my dad almost overnight. I made rules, followed them, and expected everyone to respect my "authority." It took a a lot of awkward experiences in middle school and high school to even begin to understand what it meant to relax and realize that being serious all the time wasn't necessary. Even this summer at camp was a lesson in unplanning and going with the flow (Jon and Fay, I'm talking to you). Maybe that was really the start of this battle I'm in.

It all started with a breakup. And then the realization that I had sacrificed many parts of myself for that relationship. First off, compromise in a relationship is really important. But I'm talking about giving up parts of me that I wasn't meant to lose because they are me. For example:

• I love to dance. No, I really love to dance. I feel most alive when I'm challenging myself in a technique class or worshiping the Lord through freestyle. And dance parties—don't even get me started! My spirit soars when I dance.
• I love words and color and letters and music and the beautiful way they intermingle in my mind. I have a mental phenomenon known as synesthesia and it's pretty sweet! In my recent research on synesthesia (hint, hint, capstone) I have been more excited than ever to learn how unique my way of seeing the world is. And I want to use my gifts to help me become a stronger designer.
• I love people, events, and social interactions. Although I have my quiet moments I've realized in the past 6 months that I get so much energy from being around and investing in many, many people. I've never found friendships so refreshing before in my life.
• I love connecting emotionally with the Holy Spirit. Man, I love the Navigators with all my heart. But I miss a solid, several hour prayer session with friends. I miss dancing with my eyes closed in the back of church. I miss embracing my spiritual gifts and using them boldly. For such a practical person, I connect in the complete opposite way with the Lord.

Which brings me to my point. I am a fully metamorphosed wild child. I don't mean the type that might dye my hair pink and breakout some moves on the quad one day (although, you never know). I'm talking about my spirit—I am no longer defined by the seriousness and rigor of my childhood. This summer I experienced so much freedom from being single (and then a mini identity crisis). But after three months of tough stuff I began to figure myself out.

Now that I am back in the clutches of school and on the edge of important life decisions my heart is waging war with itself. The weight of responsibility and rigor is eating at my newly liberated spirit. My practical side has been working hard to hold back my adventurous streak...but it turns out being wild isn't just a little personality flaw of mine. I have tied down my adventurous heart with with excessive rules and regulations all these years. And now I'm going crazy. Homework and the demands of life just sit over my head like a black cloud and turn me into an unbearable person. I am more than a student. I am more than a designer. I am more than a leader in Navs. I am more than a mother/daughter/sister. I am the Lord's spirited and passionate child, and for too many years I have repressed that. I am wild because the Lord who leads me is wild.

'If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than me or else just silly.'

'Then he isn't safe?' asked Lucy.

'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver. 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'

—a quote about Aslan, from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

It been getting to the point where I feel rebellious against everything. I know this is a conflict because I deeply value my friends' questions and advice about my past, present, and future but I am just so sick of making it everyone's business. I have been burdened with feeling unable to make my own decisions for a few months now and the tension is only getting worse. This is restlessness. I want to honor the Lord more than anything. But through all my frustration and tension I realized this weekend that my thoughts don't usually honor him, even if I do choose to do the right thing and "have good behavior." I've been mixing the wildness of my heart with the lawlessness of the world.

How do I give the Lord my life daily and still allow my heart to be unbound? I know and have felt the true freedom that only comes from a relationship with Jesus. But right now I feel weighed down. So the answer must be that I am burdening myself with other people's expectations and the world's seductive call. Yuck. I want that to be gone. I want it to just be me and Jesus—him playing his flute and me dancing after his song. But I guess I'm at a loss for some practical ways to cut out other people's opinions and the distractions of a secular life and focus on the thing I want the most.

I've been feeling guilty about this rebellion of my spirit for a month or so. Carri lovingly pointed out to me that we are all made for adventure and a full life, to which I wholeheartedly agree. Her statement makes me think of Wild At Heart. Although I am not a male, being single has brought the desires of my heart into sharp focus. I want to be deeply invested in ministry. I want to have confidence in my calling and become a strong female leader for the Lord. I want to get my own issues right so that I can one day submit to a male leader (aka husband). (Right now I'm not helping my case by sounding like a crazed amazonian, but that's the least of my worries at the moment.) So I think maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about my wildness. Maybe I should just be honest about it. And trust that the Lord will send encouragers into my life. Because lately I've been getting the, "girl, you cray" look whenever I begin to mention that I may have a divided spirit right now. Love and support might just be the key to feeling bold about who I am.

Could you pray for me? That would be a true lifeline.
Kendrasity