Responsible vs. Insane (stay with me now.)
my heart in a snapshot
I grew up too fast as a child—becoming a mother to my younger brothers and an adult helper to my dad almost overnight. I made rules, followed them, and expected everyone to respect my "authority." It took a a lot of awkward experiences in middle school and high school to even begin to understand what it meant to relax and realize that being serious all the time wasn't necessary. Even this summer at camp was a lesson in unplanning and going with the flow (Jon and Fay, I'm talking to you). Maybe that was really the start of this battle I'm in.
It all started with a breakup. And then the realization that I had sacrificed many parts of myself for that relationship. First off, compromise in a relationship is really important. But I'm talking about giving up parts of me that I wasn't meant to lose because they are me. For example:
- I love to dance. No, I really love to dance. I feel most alive when I'm challenging myself in a technique class or worshiping the Lord through freestyle. And dance parties—don't even get me started! My spirit soars when I dance.
- I love words and color and letters and music and the beautiful way they intermingle in my mind. I have a mental phenomenon known as synesthesia and it's pretty sweet! In my recent research on synesthesia (hint, hint, capstone) I have been more excited than ever to learn how unique my way of seeing the world is. And I want to use my gifts to help me become a stronger designer.
- I love people, events, and social interactions. Although I have my quiet moments I've realized in the past 6 months that I get so much energy from being around and investing in many, many people. I've never found friendships so refreshing before in my life.
- I love connecting emotionally with the Holy Spirit. Man, I love the Navigators with all my heart. But I miss a solid, several hour prayer session with friends. I miss dancing with my eyes closed in the back of church. I miss embracing my spiritual gifts and using them boldly. For such a practical person, I connect in the complete opposite way with the Lord.
Now that I am back in the clutches of school and on the edge of important life decisions my heart is waging war with itself. The weight of responsibility and rigor is eating at my newly liberated spirit. My practical side has been working hard to hold back my adventurous streak...but it turns out being wild isn't just a little personality flaw of mine. I have tied down my adventurous heart with with excessive rules and regulations all these years. And now I'm going crazy. Homework and the demands of life just sit over my head like a black cloud and turn me into an unbearable person. I am more than a student. I am more than a designer. I am more than a leader in Navs. I am more than a mother/daughter/sister. I am the Lord's spirited and passionate child, and for too many years I have repressed that. I am wild because the Lord who leads me is wild.
'If there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than me or else just silly.'
'Then he isn't safe?' asked Lucy.
'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver. 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.'
—a quote about Aslan, from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
It been getting to the point where I feel rebellious against everything. I know this is a conflict because I deeply value my friends' questions and advice about my past, present, and future but I am just so sick of making it everyone's business. I have been burdened with feeling unable to make my own decisions for a few months now and the tension is only getting worse. This is restlessness. I want to honor the Lord more than anything. But through all my frustration and tension I realized this weekend that my thoughts don't usually honor him, even if I do choose to do the right thing and "have good behavior." I've been mixing the wildness of my heart with the lawlessness of the world.
How do I give the Lord my life daily and still allow my heart to be unbound? I know and have felt the true freedom that only comes from a relationship with Jesus. But right now I feel weighed down. So the answer must be that I am burdening myself with other people's expectations and the world's seductive call. Yuck. I want that to be gone. I want it to just be me and Jesus—him playing his flute and me dancing after his song. But I guess I'm at a loss for some practical ways to cut out other people's opinions and the distractions of a secular life and focus on the thing I want the most.
I've been feeling guilty about this rebellion of my spirit for a month or so. Carri lovingly pointed out to me that we are all made for adventure and a full life, to which I wholeheartedly agree. Her statement makes me think of Wild At Heart. Although I am not a male, being single has brought the desires of my heart into sharp focus. I want to be deeply invested in ministry. I want to have confidence in my calling and become a strong female leader for the Lord. I want to get my own issues right so that I can one day submit to a male leader (aka husband). (Right now I'm not helping my case by sounding like a crazed amazonian, but that's the least of my worries at the moment.) So I think maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about my wildness. Maybe I should just be honest about it. And trust that the Lord will send encouragers into my life. Because lately I've been getting the, "girl, you cray" look whenever I begin to mention that I may have a divided spirit right now. Love and support might just be the key to feeling bold about who I am.
Could you pray for me? That would be a true lifeline.
Kendrasity
